Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
