I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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