Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
