my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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