my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
