great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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