I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
