Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
