i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
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They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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