I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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