So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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