Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
