he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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