Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
