Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry about my life...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
