Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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