ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
