I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
