dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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