My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
