when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
