i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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