suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
