he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
