Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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