sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
