i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
