I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
