I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
