Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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