it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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