Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
