I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
