Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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