well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
