My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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