my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
