My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My butt remains clenched, sir.