Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
