U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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