The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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