Four minutes until I can fart!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
