my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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