I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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