PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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