I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
