The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
