I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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