A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
