You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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