she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
