On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
