toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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