I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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