Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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